Tuesday, December 8, 2020

The Car Thief Is as Smooth and Cool as Glass

I get up early. I sit on the porch in the dark and watch as stars fade and light fills the city. It's my chosen time to brood and imagine how my day might unfold.

This morning, before the caffeine kicked in, I sat on the porch, too groggy to reflect before acting, while a nicely groomed young man walked down the street. He was slim, wore tight, dark clothes, had a compact backpack, and moved with the silent grace of a cat. 

I watched him. He wore a head lamp that he turned on and off; he slipped through shadows toward cars parked in front of the house. He shone the light through driver's windows and tried the doors as he moved with practiced efficiency toward my little truck.

My truck has been stolen before. It's an "easy mark" as the cops put it. Just jam a screw driver into to the ignition, turn it, and you're off to the races. Plus it's a four-wheel-drive, perfect for drug and human smuggling down by the border. It has seen some real action.

I watch as the shadow pauses on the other side of the truck, shines a light in, and jimmies the door. It opens and the dome light goes on.

Now, if I were half awake, or had two brain cells to rub together, I should have silently approached the truck and caught him in the act, but I am not one to decline my rage at being ripped off again.

I stood and marched toward the truck with a "What the f*$K are you doing?" already booming from my insulted, violated self that has never quite resolved all the thefts and insults from past robberies.

The figure was cool, so cool. 

"What are you talking about, man?"

"That's my truck. You just opened the door..." heart running faster than I could think.

"It was open, dude; I was just closing it," he said, voice as greasy and slick as Vaseline as he backed away. "I'm doing you a favor, bro."

He was already fifty feet away and turning into the alley.

I was stopped in my tracks by doubt. This guy was just a nice guy doing doing community service at 5:30 in the morning. I should be embarrassed for confronting him.

And then he was gone. 

I tried to follow but he had slipped already into the darkness. 

Should I call the cops? Should I get some kind if weapon and go searching for him?

I was bound by confusion.

He had won.

Monday, October 19, 2020

Beware the Old Man

The young man

So fresh into his strength

His power over others

Admires the lethality

Of his weapons

The blue sheen of his

Rifle

 

The old man

Blood on his hands

Remembers

And will hunt 

But never kill 


Beware the old man

Who never grew up

Who still

Glorifies the sound

Of a fist

On breaking bone

The thrill of going to battle

While he waits behind

On his gilded throne

For the first blood

Of the young man

To spill

Onto the waiting

Earth

 

Tuesday, September 22, 2020

In a Nutshell (Character Sketch) (Fiction, of Course)

She was born playing a game apart from that of her family. Their bases of success, physical beauty, penchant for the bon vivant, and wit formed the rules and horizons of worth and fun. She longed only for the role no one else wanted, and became the seeker, the one wanting insight, self-reflection, dissolving the ephemeral -- cultivating a spiritual life. That served only to deepen the chasm between her and her blood kin. They continued to strive, laugh, acquire, and pile up their worldly trophies in a great symphony of pleasure. She wanted their love but received only condescension and subtle scorn. It cut her to the bone, and she grieved. It took her a long time to let go, to love them for who they were and to find peace in her role as priestess, of keeper of the family soul and conscience. She would never win the family game and that was her wound, the portal to her freedom.

Sunday, July 26, 2020

Renunciation


So much knowledge, so little wisdom.
So many words, so little truth.
So many things, so few thank yous.
So much wealth, so little justice.

Listen to what is rare.
Hold it close.
Feed it with pieces of your heart.

Carry it with you.

Let the rest go. 

Renounce the striving for perfection.

Embrace the broken, imperfect, forgotten world in need of your gaze

and care. 

Parts of the path are littered with broken glass and sharp stones.
Step lightly, noticing the Other 

knowing that this too is the way.



Friday, May 15, 2020

When the Inner Racist Starts Talking


When I am alone, which I am right now, I spend time listening to the stream of chatter that is the inner, background soundtrack of my life. But I don't adhere to what it tells me, most of the time. That is because some of the self-talk can be dangerously knee-jerk and needs serious scrutiny and critical reflection.

Take the moment yesterday when I was at the Pine Hill gas station on the Ramah Navajo Reservation in northern New Mexico, where I was doing a dump run. I was pumping gas when the little voices started to tell me how disorganized and slow the Navajo Nation has been in responding to the COVID crisis. The voice, to be honest, was more about "those Navajos" than it was about the crisis. That little voice was part of me that I don't want others to see, the part that is unconsciously racist.

Researchers tell us that we humans have a tendency to group with "likes" and to make up degrading, stereotypical narratives about the "others." Articles like "Are We Born Racist?" by Susan Tufts Fiske have summarized research showing innate tendencies to group in "tribes." A complete review of that work is beyond the scope of this little ditty, but the point is that some people contend that we have racist tendencies that are neurologically hard-wired.

I believe that's what was happening as I pumped my gas.

Now, the important piece here is what we do with that tendency. I could launch off on a long story about how Navajos are managing or mismanaging the pandemic, or I could assess that little nugget of neurological chatter and dis-identify with it, standing back enough to ask, "Is that true?" and "Is that really what I think and want to base my actions on?" "Is that the story I want to feed and to share and augment with others into a social set of biases and behaviors?"

I decided not to feed the flames of fear, separation, difference, and unconscious bias and to make good on my debts to the Pine Hill store. 

So, I finished pumping my gas and went in to pay. (No automatic credit card readers in this part of the world.) There I saw markers on the floor for social distancing, a sign saying "no mask, no service," and a very friendly Navajo woman wearing a mask, behind a Plexiglas barrier, who politely accepted my payment. We made contact without making physical contact. Her eyes said "Hey, I see you. Crazy quarantine, huh?" I hope mine said the same.

I felt camaraderie and connection with this person who is very different from me, but still a beautiful, breathing, bright-eyed wonder of living organism. We are both dealing with crises over which we have little control, but that we can respond to with self-critical equanimity.

A psychological dynamic of racism, I believe,  is, in part, a hard-wired stimulus followed by automatic reaction, but can be revised and responded to by a pause in the automatic response that can lead to empathy, contact, evidence to the contrary, and critical self reflection.

If I watch what I think, and assess it for how it works to create the world I want to live in, I can discern between what is worth keeping and what is trash. I was there to dump my trash, an action somehow fitting for the inner work I was engaged with. It takes some attention to sort through the stream of chatter, but it's worth the effort.

That's my two cents for today.*

* I am very aware there is a bigger context here. We are living in a moment connected to a long history of social injustice, exploitation, abuse of power, and subjugation. As a white male, I have lived a life of privilege that cannot begin to comprehend the perspectives of Americans of color. Racism has also been designed into our social, political, historical, economic, and cultural institutions. Personal awareness by itself will not alter institutional racism. That said, what I am looking at here is this day-to-day, minute-by-minute neurological and psychological dynamic that can be sidetracked by self-awareness and intention. Change the self; change the society. Critical thinking followed by action, political or social or other, I believe, is the best way to redress racism and many other social ills. The personal can also be the basis for political action.

Thursday, May 7, 2020

Things You're Not Supposed to Say at the Retirement Celebration You'll Never Have


After decades of teaching, advising, directing, writing, and serving the university and department in many ways, my time has come. I have reached the point where I can no longer work. My reasons are diverse, but one rules them all: I am no longer emotionally capable of condoning the treatment I receive as a "non-traditional," "non-tenure-track," "adjunct," or "career-track" university faculty.

Workers like me are, more and more, the face of university teaching. According to the American Association of University Professors, tenure-track positions are now the minority rather than the rule, only about a quarter of all faculty positions, and we "non-tenure-track" faculty are having to find a way to make what we do more visible, better paid, better benefits, more job security. It has been a hard road.

I have worked well, for the most part, teaching thousands of students, getting excellent course evaluations, earning high scores on annual reviews, directing a branch of the National Writing Project, designing a course for at-risk students, directing a prison writing project that published a literary magazine annually, and publishing a book with the local university press. I chose to make non-tenure-track teaching my career because I did not want to uproot children and spouse by re-locating for the tenure track job. Being a lecturer was my life. And the work has not been all bad. I have been lucky enough to have worked full-time with benefits. There have been some good moments, and I am grateful for those.

I also carry the scars of being the "invisible" faculty member for most of that time. (Very recently, some enlightened colleagues have gone the distance to improve non-traditional faculty contracts, pay, and work loads. Thank you for that.) My path to promotion was blocked by administrators (heads, deans, program directors) who wanted to keep employees like me "in our place," that is, low-paid, over-worked, with little of no job security, "expendable."

I have been told by these administrators that I do what they consider to be "onerous" work, that my position was never intended to be a livelihood but rather a stepping stone to more secure, tenure-track positions, positions which are becoming very rare. When my students have mentioned me to my tenure-track colleagues, referring to me as "professor," these colleagues have been quick to correct them, telling them that, no, he is not a professor, he's a lecturer, or instructor, or, that horrible sounding title, "adjunct."

These administrators have made it their business to increase my workload in times of crisis (like the current COVID-19 downturn), to decrease my job security by reducing my contract from a multi-year renewable contract to one that is yearly and for which I have to re-apply every term. They push to increase the caps of students in courses. They want more from us for less pay, less security, less professional support.

The lack of political clout opens the door for a wide range of academic slights and insults. 

I once asked for subrogation for a book that I was publishing with a university press and was told by the head and provost that I wasn't eligible for that kind of support because my job description did not include publication.

When a course I designed earned national recognition for innovation, I was not invited to the ceremony. The director received the award in my absence. She received applause at the following department meeting. No one said anything to me.

On the bulletin boards with book jackets of faculty, you won't find my book, even though it was published by a respected press, nominated for several awards, and well-reviewed, because I am not tenure track ranked.

The list goes on, and the point here is that the lack of recognition for non-tenure eligible university faculty stings. It gets under your skin as the years go by and no matter how much you pour yourself into your work, you will never be seen unless you organize, make yourself visible, force the governing elites to acknowledge you.

Many of my non-tenure eligible colleagues are stepping into service in faculty governance, serving on hiring committees, taking on administrative duties, getting some power, making us less dispensable. Good on them I say. But my time is up, and I don't have the fight to carry on.

Much of this is what you don't say at your retirement ceremony, if you are even given a ceremony. You keep it yourself, because that's the nature of the dirty little secret that universities keep. They celebrate the stars, the university presidents, the coaches, the high-profile programs that bring in the grant money, but in the trenches, where much of the teaching goes on, these faculty are made expendable, nameless, are living paycheck to paycheck, trying to get by, trying to withstand the pressure of all that is holding them back, doing the best work they can.

You don't say this. You don't say that the university, mimicking the corporate structures around it, is top-heavy with pampered bosses, overpaid coaches, and a need to brand itself so out-of-state students will enroll for the fun. You don't say that much of the production is done by low-paid workers who hold the whole house of cards in place. It makes people uncomfortable, makes them squirm. So you write it. Put it down so the truth is there somewhere in case anyone wants to look for it. 

 

Monday, April 27, 2020

My Complicated Relationship With NPR


I confess. I am an NPR junkie. I listen to it in the car, while I cook, while other people are watching the Super Bowl. I use ideas I get from NPR in my teaching. I drop NPR nuggets in conversation with friends. It's the best thing going in terms of intellectual stimulation and reliable news. And, yet, I get irritable with its liberal leaning, romantic meritocracy. When I say liberal, it's not because I am a conservative who sees "liberal bias" of the media everywhere. I say liberal because NPR is not radical enough for me. Coverage of issues on NPR stops short of calling it like it is, that corporations have high-jacked democracy, the the top 1 percenters control the lion's share of the wealth (and the means to get their message out to the masses), that we're going to hell in a hand basket environmentally, that we are a hair-trigger's millisecond from nuclear annihilation. I want NPR to get off its polite, liberal ass and take a stand for the social overhaul that I think is necessary for our survival rather than placate the very corporations that continue to fleece the rest of us, that will suck the last bit of living breath out of the planet to keep from giving their gold to those who most need it. It's time, NPR. It's the eleventh hour.