Thursday, May 1, 2014

Blue Note

Windy today. Really windy. Forty-miles-an-hour blowing dust windy.

A friend used to say that wind is really spirit in motion. It's a sign of change, of turbulence, of mingling of cold and warm, the result of a physical law that wants to equalize, to find stasis.

It's out of the east, the direction of new beginnings, some might say.

Whatever it is, the wind reflects my mood these days.

There are big changes coming. Megan has a job in New Mexico, starting in two months. A house needs plumbing, electricity, insulation, drywall, fixtures, appliances. My father is getting old and I need to visit. Our house in Tucson needs to be made ready to sublet. I need to think about money, work, marriage, family, and, of course, my cat -- Simone.

Big stuff and little stuff. It's all hard to juggle, and I just can't seem to get a handle on it. Only the blues seem to both capture the mood and give me the urge to dance with it.

The boundary between me and the unknown is just over the next hill of days. I will leave the land I know -- teaching, advising, wandering the halls of the Modern Languages Building and step into new terrain. I will soon let go of familiar days and duties and start something new.

My routines will be disrupted. I won't know what I am doing from moment to moment because it is all strange. It is time to surrender. Place, friends, work, possessions, habits, position -- all of it is about vanish. As the last days approach, there are things I should be doing that I am not.

The fear of the unknown wakes me, pulses through me, lives in my veins as I move through these transition days. It paralyzes my thinking; I just can't seem to marshal the thoughts and plan and then act.

Even the preparations for a weekend camping trip leave me cold and catatonic, in denial.

It doesn't help that others notice this and point it out.

I appreciate the concern though.

The bigger picture escapes me. The arc of my life narrative is about to take a hard turn. I need my left brain to help me navigate.

Just saying. 

Time to go to the woods and howl.

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