Friday, January 8, 2016

The Man I Want to Be, Or, Cleaning Out the Sock Drawer

Solid. I guess that's the best overall word I can come with at the moment.

I want to be true to my word, dependable, trustworthy. I want to know what I am doing when I wake up in the morning. I want my book project to take shape because I have put in the time, thought, and effort to reveal what it wants to be.

I want to surrender my ephemeral and flighty confusions for clarity of purpose and direction. I want to work on what I value, what I love. I want to engage and feel passion for my day. I want to love my life and what it calls me to do.

I want to jettison superfluous, distracting shit.

I want to help friends, to enjoy giving things away to people who need them. I want to quit worrying. I want to exercise, write, paint, play music, sing, meditate, eat just enough to stay healthy, and to get my finances together.

I want to hand my gifts over when the time comes for each -- strength, sight, hearing, cognition, balance, fear, sadness, anger, all that didn't go the way I wanted it to. I want to cut the strings that have held me tight for too long and float down the river of the rest of my days. If I lose my sense of humor though, I want out. I want the courage and the smarts to be able to see it and act when the time comes.

Specifically though, I want to clean out my sock drawer, get the boxes out of my office, toss out the old jeans, get down to two (or three) pairs of bike shoes. I want to re-charge all of my bike lights so they don't die on my dark commutes. I want to plan out my lessons rather than go to classes cold and clueless. I want to get used to young people calling me "sir," or at least stop taking offense.

I want to grow into the role of elder gracefully, to be generous, open, a good listener, and, if asked, to give seasoned counsel.

I want to give up the need to be anything other than what I am, to let go of needing to be special, to live my own damned life.

But mostly I want to send those holey socks off to their next incarnation before it's my turn to move on.

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